under water

it’s still
     dark in here
     and sometimes the darkness
still wins

i think
     maybe this time
     the darkness won’t
get me

won’t scare
     me, won’t wear me
     down, but this darkness is slick like oil
and spreads

on me
     before i
     know it, stinging my eyes
my throat

i jump
     into the deep
     end, to stop the burning, to
escape

it’s dark
     here too, and
     heavy, all this water
crushing

but i
     remember i’ve
     learned something new, i’ve
learned how

to breathe
     without air, without
     love, without hope, I’ve
learned how

to breathe
     under
     water

© Nichole Q. Perreault

4 thoughts on “under water

  1. Dear Nicole, Very well describes the depths of depression & grief. I admire your writing talent but am sad to know about some of the losses that sent you into darkness. Been there a couple of times myself. I continue to be glad He didn’t/doesn’t leave me there. 💙 Pat

    >

    • Thank you, Pat. I think I’ve been learning that trauma in my early childhood created a pattern of trauma response, and then a handful of other events in life reinforced the pattern. But also, I believe we all have a “dark side” to our personalities and though we walk with Jesus and He heals us, it’s often a slow process and certain triggers can reveal pockets of darkness that have yet to be purged.

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