This is the first in a three part series.
I hate God.
I would be terrified to type that out, except for one thing: He already knows.
I’m the one who’s just finding out. Or am I just finally able to admit the truth?
I hate Him. I hate Him. I hate Him.
Sure, part of me feels sorry…or at least wishes it wasn’t true. But it is true. I am overwhelmed with hatred toward an Almighty God. Gently, I remind myself that feelings are just feelings. You can’t reason your way out of them. They just are.
Feelings aren’t the problem, but rather the symptom of a greater problem. And feelings aren’t sins either. It’s what we do with our feelings that matters.
And I’m blogging mine. I guess I’ll let God be the judge of that.
I can only imagine what my believing friends are feeling right now: horror, indignation, worry for my soul.
The rest of you? I don’t know. Maybe you’re thinking “Yes. Finally. This girl’s got a clue!” Or maybe your just confused – wondering how a Christian can talk this way.
But I’m simply sharing the rhythm already beating through my heart:
I hate Him.
I hate Him.
I hate Him.
I hate Him for all the pain. For making me so achingly sensitive and then tossing me into the raging waters of life to flail and wail and splash and thrash to survive.
For giving me a father who couldn’t love me, who left me behind while he went and made a new family, a family he could love.
For giving me a second father to love me – my first step-father – then snatching him away a few years later, when he was just 30 and my baby brother was two.
I hate Him for all the ways that loss shook me to my core. Knocked my 12-year-old ass to the ground.
For all the times He let me numb the pain with alcohol and drugs.
For letting me run and run and run and run right into the arms of empty promises.
And I hate Him for all the boys who weren’t my friend at all.
For imperfection, rejection and bad reputations.
For leaving me on the operating table. Twice. When what I really wanted, what I really needed, was to be rescued. He rescued others. I’ve heard their stories. But He didn’t rescue me.
I hate Him for giving me a stone when I asked for bread.
For answering her prayers, his prayers, your prayers…but not mine.
I hate Him for waking me up on a cool June night just after the witching hour to watch my brother die. My baby brother who just 30 years earlier lost his own father, when I was 12 and he was two.
I hate Him for tearing my family apart. I hate Him for making me watch them suffer.
I hate Him for showing me pain that lies ahead while doing nothing to stop it.
And I hate Him for reminding me, always and forever reminding me,
that I am
Less Than
Less Than
Less Than
Less Than You
Less Than Them
Less Than Loved
And I hate Him…I especially hate Him…for showing me how Less Than doesn’t end with me. Less Than goes on and on for generations and generations.
I hate Him for sacrificing me, my loved ones, for the happiness of others.
I hate Him for the pain.
Seething and weeping, it’s easy to wonder…all these years of salvation and healing and restoration…what were they for? If a few losses can throw me face first into the dirt and leave me spitting curses to the sky, did any of it matter?
Or do those years – years of walking and kneeling and seeking and receiving and giving and teaching and weeping and writing and praying and hoping and healing – do those years make the honesty possible?
Is this raw, wide open, gaping wound spilling out over my chest, running down my arms, dripping off my fingertips and making little puddles in the dirt…is this the fruit of thousands of days, millions of moments soaking in the light, seeking the real?
Because, if nothing else, my hatred toward God is real. And what’s real is true. And the truth…well, you know what the truth does.
And if we’re being real (and that’s what we do here on my blog), we have to acknowledge that harboring hatred for God isn’t unique to Nichole. Hatred for God is central to humanity. At our core, we, God’s created ones, want to be our own gods and so we hate anything – and any One – that gets in our way.
So my hatred may scare you. It may worry you. It may sicken you.
But it is you. It’s in you. Or at least it was, once upon a time.
You are not alone. I am not alone.
I may be broadcasting to the world that I hate the Maker of Heaven and Earth, but today, I have never been closer to the Truth.
© Nichole Liza Q.
Lightning Bug 
You have many reasons to be angry and mad at life that is true. You have suffered so much and you seem like you feel there is no way out. I can’t make you stop hating God but I can tell you that we all have choices and free will. You chose your own boyfriends. That the person who caused your DAd and brother’s car accident had free will. Everyone’s free will effects everybody including people like your little brother. I’m sorry for your pain your sorrow most of all I’m sorry that you hate God. No matter what he doesn’t hate you and while you are in much pain he is preparing you for better things ahead. Maybe you can’t believe it or see it but it’s true. Maybe just have a little faith. Sin has twisted the world and it makes all that is bad including when we ourselves do bad things. Only God can make it better. If you can pray for for peace of mind and pray that you can see beyond your suffering. God says he will be a lamp unto our feet and alight into our path. That doesn’t mean we know everything and every which way to go. We only know one step at a time. That’s all you need to do is take one step. Dunno if this will help you it I have suffered and come out better for it. I know you will to.
Thanks for your kind response. I totally hear what you’re saying and it’s all been rolling through my head day after day. My husband said much the same words to me today and I almost included some references to free will and the battlefield of this world in the post, but I really wanted to share more of the raw place my heart is at. My head and my heart are in very different places these days. So it’s not that I ONLY hate God but it certainly is an emotion I’m feeling. Something I am not so much eager to admit, but no longer able to deny. The good news is that He is bigger than it all and that’s perhaps the only reason I am brave enough to share these thoughts with my readers. Thanks again for your concern and prayers!
No problem. Pray you will get through this.
I’ve come to believe that God is most sorely pained by our indifference, but our rage and hate can’t put a dent in his all-encompassing love.
I, however, can feel the sharp and raw pain in your words. Know that my thoughts and always positive regard are with you. And I send prayers on your behalf to the sometime-hated God as well.
Part of being placed in community means that we don’t always have to bear the burden of being on speaking terms with our creator.
Just keep making it through, day by hour by moment. I pray that you will be surrounded by love, kindness, comfort, solace, patience, and maybe some moments of joy.
Thanks for keeping it real.
Thanks so much Carolyn. What kind words. And yes, I agree, so much with what you said.
I screamed, “that’s it!!????” when I finished reading the blog. I had figured that somehow,you, trying to be like David, in the Psalms, would HAVE to write something nice about God at the end . You didn’t. Raw, horrifying TRUTH. I read it all again. Now I get it. Raw honesty with how you FEEL, now.. Honesty opens up truth which opens the freedom door…..”JUST as I am without one plea”….May this truth realize an utterly new peace and deeper faith than ever before. hug
Thank you Gail!
Let me retrack..”I get it”. I cannot possibly know the depth of what you are going thru. What I was meaning was kind of like the moment when we drop our head on the table and say…”I cannot do this….I cannot go on.. I give up.” For me, that truth was the beginning of a new kind of connection to a new kind of God.
Yes Gail. I totally hear you. And while we each have our own unique pain, I know you’ve known your own pain. I appreciate you. Thanks for sharing!
I think that it makes sense to feel how you do right now, and at the very least, I think it’s helpful to be honest. When I’ve been in intense pain, being honest was the litmus test that led to better. Because of that sense of honesty and the desire to express how you feel without diminishing from it, I think you are on the right path. There are people in this world who have suffered in a similar way to yourself, but they have yet to learn to admit what hurts. Even if it takes years to get better, you are making progress and that is evident by the fact that you are willing to be so honest.
Thank you for your encouragement. I so appreciate it.
Well, I’m glad it had some effect. I know that when you are suffering, it’s hard for anyone to say much of anything that does any good. If it helps, just know that you have strangers that you dont even know that care, and also dont want you to have to feel this way forever. Maybe it will change and maybe it will take a while, but you will have plenty of people to celebrate with here on WordPress once it does.
You are right that often not much helps but it is always encouraging to share from the heart and have people respond without judgement and with compassion. It’s also nice to be reminded that we are not alone. ♥️
And you know what? We are all a part of a chain of people who have been there before, and are able to help others get through it once we know better. It’s a lot easier to disengage once you feel better, but one day, I hope that you will be able to encourage others with the strength that survival requires. Maybe there is no sense to suffering, but being through it before can be a gift unto others. I hope that you’ll be lucky enough to keep the chain going!
I’m just so so sorry for all the horrific pain you have been through and are going through. I feel like saying that I will pray for you to find peace may sound so trite, but I hope that you know I don’t mean for it to, and that I will pray for you to find the peace that passes ALL human understanding.
Thank you so much. I understand your concern that it might sound trite but at the same time I often think prayer is one of the few things that can actually make a difference.
Nichole,
Thank you for being brave and sharing your feelings. You encourage me to be honest and open. It is hard for me to remember that I am not alone in my suffering and that God knows how I feel toward Him regardless of my willingness (or lack thereof) to shout it from the mountain tops.
I feel so ridiculous talking about suffering when I think of what you have and continue to endure. Feelings definitely aren’t rational or reasonable. Thanks for reading and always encouraging!
Seeing you in such pain makes me sad. There is a fever raging in your soul. But a fever can be beneficial because sometimes its heat is what finally kills invasive cells that if left unchecked could destroy you. A few lies have invaded your mind/soul; for example, all of those “less than’s”. I hope the heat of your hatred will burn away the lies and help you see the truth. God loves you SO much He was willing to send his Son to save you. You may not love him at this point in time, but there is hope that someday once again, you will. Some would define hate as the opposite of love. But I agree with Elie Wiesel: “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference…the opposite of faith is not heresy; it’s indifference.” The raging hate you feel so passionately is anything but indifferent. Thus there is hope for love to return and for your faith to be restored.
Love ya, Pat
Yes Pat. I agree with all you’ve said ♥️
Six months of hell, suicide of friends 20yr old, best friend heart attack and died within the same six days I had a heart attack, daughter left for college, parents sold family home in 3 days, parents moving to NC. Best friends mom passes say week of Christmas. Mad, hate, loss, sad….air there is no air left in my lungs….hate yes, weak yes, pain so much freaking pain. I’m sorry for your pain. I keep reaching, reaching, reaching…..and like you I have a loving husband…he said you need to find Hope. I guess..tired, so very tired. Thank you for your real words, heartfelt words. Human we are human….and feeling so mad and broken. Oxygen, hope, faith…breathe, keep breathing.xo
Wow Suzanne. I am just so sorry for all you’re going through. Thank you for sharing – Sending you love ♥️
Hi Nichole,
My first reaction was shock, I didn’t know what to say, but I sat and seriously thought
about what I had just read. I have to tell you that no matter what happened to you, God
Uses it for good and I believe you know that already. I think that this is why you are such a
Wonderful writer. God gave you this beautiful gift to help you through your pain and others
Who share in your pain and read your postings, but it is up to you to choose not to carry your pain with you all the time. I can understand how you feel because I have been through enough pain in life too and I still choose to love God. You are blessed with a lot of friends and family that love you as well as a God who loves you, and I pray that you will choose to love, not hate. You are a beautiful woman and I care about you too. 💕
Thanks so much Lisa. I am grateful for my brothers and sisters in Christ like you! I was just being super honest about where I’m at but believe that God is bigger than even my hatred. He understands me even better than I do. So I suppose this doesn’t surprise Him at all. And in grateful that in my shifting world He is unshakable.
Nichole, I know you were being super honest, and transparent. I appreciate your honesty & transparency because it make you real and trustworthy. Not many people will do that, but now I know as well as many others will really know how to pray for you. 💕
Thank you ♥️♥️♥️
I read your post before my devotions this morning, Nichole… So raw and fragile and vulnerable. So hard to read.
Then, the scripture in my devotions this morning was as follows:
Psalm 16:11
11 You direct me on the path that leads to a beautiful life. As I walk with You, the pleasures are never-ending, and I know true joy and contentment.
Crazy, huh?
How does one define a “beautiful” life? How does God define a “beautiful life”? How do you define a “beautiful life”?
If we believe that God is powerful and great and mighty,,,and that He loves us more than we can even comprehend, why do so many of us struggle when pain and fear and disappointment invade our souls? Why do we even allow them to invade our souls? Where is “joy and contentment”? Why doesn’t our life feel “beautiful”?
Which brings us back to defining a beautiful life….
Praying that you would continue searching and sifting, digging and excavating through all the icy cold, oozing, clinging muck on your journey to find “beautiful”, Nichole.
Not having seen you for years, but continuing to read your blogs, I believe you’re closer to “beautiful” than your pain is allowing you to feel. As your words reach out and touch more hearts and souls that you have ever counted, who measures your “beauty”, but God? Invade the hearts of your husband, your daughters, your friends, family, and co-workers…they’ll tell you there’s beauty….sooo much beauty.
Right now you are broken…but I feel beauty in your brokenness. More prayers for the journey, my friend. There is light. I pray it appears on your horizon soon.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words of encouragement and hope. So great to hear from you. Blessings in Him!
Hi there…You certainly don’t mince words! My feeble attempt at comforting a sister-in-Christ goes like this: As much as we can’t see the big picture or plan, God is going to use you in a mighty way someday to comfort/impact someone that only you will be able to. A divine appointment unique to your trials and responses. I can only think that these feelings now would be common to another person and you will be able to empathize in the future. Ok, I’m only speaking from experience and I found it to be a great blessing. I’ll shut up now. We’re praying for you! Thanks for the honest post!
Thanks for reading, responding and praying ❤️
I’m weeping with you, Nichole. Billie
❤️
Nichole, this is one of those times where words cannot make the pain go away. You have suffered and you are not alone. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Remember that God too has suffered; he willingly sacrificed his Son on the cross so that we may all have our sins forgiven and receive the gift of eternal life, not just an earthly one. Your brother Derek was offered this eternal gift and he has received it. It is a blessing for me to know that he has eternity with God.
We all have pain and suffering and yes the Lord our God can make it go away with a single word, but there is more to God’s plan than we know or see. It doesn’t have to make sense to us, he is the all-knowing, not us, and one day those of us who rest our faith in the Lord our God will be reunited with Derek and the rest of our loved ones in Heaven. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” Nichole take comfort in these words. I realize there is pain throughout the world and much of it is senseless, but some day we will all see the light. Rest assured that all of your fellow Christians and Family pray for you and your healing & realignment with the Lord. Be angry, but channel your anger so as to heal, not to suffer more. The Lord our God is not to blame for our choices or our losses. He provides mankind with freedom to choose and some choices will lead to pain and suffering for self and/or others. Turn to the Lord, but not in anger, but in weeping. Find strength in the Lord for healing. My faith and prayers remain unyielding for your healing. Lamentations 3:31-33 “For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.” All of us have pain and suffering that we can point to in our lives, some incur less pain and suffering than us, while others incur more pain and suffering than us. Do not focus on the negative, but on the blessings that you have and continue to receive in Life. There are so many blessings that are not being embraced with each passing day that you reside in anger. Mourn and remember the treasured moments, but Live and Trust in Christ our Savior with each day forward. Your family and friends are with you.
Agape, Brother in Christ