I can’t stand the skin I’m in. I say that often, in my mind, at least, which lies trapped behind my eyes, within this skin. Oh, to claw my way out, scratch through burning layers of anger and regret, scrape away the anxiety and worry and fear and foreboding that crawl all over my arms and legs and back and knees like a plague, a curse, a damned itch I cannot scratch, peel back the sorrow and the shame, and leave the slough behind me on the unforgiving earth. Maybe then, maybe then I would be free.
It’s a terrible thing when you can’t stand yourself. A terrible, lonely thing.
Because there’s no getting out and there’s no getting in. My mind, my soul, my spirit begin and end inside this skin. This prison-skin, this divided mind, this hermetic heart that followed the fall. We touch and tangle, flesh on flesh – handshakes, hugs, and making love – always aching, reaching to be un-alone, to be known – but even when two become one, there’s three.
There is One who never lives alone and yet lives as three, who says He lives in me. If I could see outside my eyes, breathe outside my breath, would I see Him, breathe Him in, let heaven seep inside my skin? Would that satisfy the longing? Would I know and then be known, finally un-alone. I in Him and Him in me and then, free?
Can I stand the skin He’s in?
© Nichole Q. Perreault
Dear friends, I feel compelled to say a few things.
First, I am ok but grief is complicated and at the same time, so simple, so terribly, dreadfully simple. Whatever the case, I hope that when you read a raw, naked post of mine, like this one, it doesn’t send you into a tailspin of worry. I write a lot about the difficult times, the painful times, for many reasons: because I can, because it’s therapeutic, because I learn through my writing, because I hope others wiill too and because I think God often calls me to say the things that others won’t or can’t. I wish all my writings were lighthearted and fun – but that’s rarely what God calls me to or sets on my heart. Oh well! If you are worried or burdened for me, feel free to pray for me. Who doesn’t need prayer? Also, you can always call me, email me, message me to check in if you want. By no means do you need to. But please don’t feel as though you can’t.
Second, this is a two week writing course and I will be doing my best to participate in all the challenges, though I have already missed one! Feel free to read all or none. I will love you either way. But man, don’t judge me too harshly because it is difficult to crank out a decent poem on a daily basis, which might explain why mine are probably a lot less than decent.
Third, you may have noticed I haven’t been posting much lately. Oh, I’ve been writing and thinking and thinking and writing and there is a lot going on in this sometimes overactive brain of mine, but am I making any sense? I’m not so sure. So just the other day I was like, hmmm…maybe I should try writing some poetry again, at least then I don’t have to finish a thought or sentences or even really make sense. Am I right? Well, anyway, just a day or two later I found this course and well, here I am. So enjoy or don’t, but either way may you be blessed in whatever God calls you to. Love, love and more love. ~Nichole